The Practical Life

I am a person that believes in signs. I feel that if you truly look you can find a sign to point you in the right direction and lead to the path you are supposed to be on. I recently found a small sign from the comedian Jim Carey. Pretty funny that I am making life decisions based on the loud words of a comedian… but you don’t ask for what the sign is, you are just grateful to have found it. Jim Carey was doing a commencement speech and I stumbled across it on YouTube. Jim Said “So many of us chose our path out of fear disguised as practicality”. As I listened to those word “fear” “practicality” I realized that I was one of those people, and the path that I was on was not that path I was supposed to be on…

I figured I would catch you guys up on my crazy blonde life... After being fired from the radio station and working on the importance of forgiveness, I got a job as a corporate recruiter in Boston. My job was to help people find jobs! Sounds pretty neat, helping people find their dream, but the reality of this job was far from that... My job was actually forcing people to choose a life of practicality. I needed to convince people to take the jobs that I had for them because they had nothing else and I had to rely on people who didn't want to work, to show up at these jobs in order for me to be successful in my job. My job was very difficult and even less fulfilling.

To make matters worse, I was thrown into a high stress environment where my coworkers were stressed out and frustrated all the time. I was told I needed to earn friendships and prove myself. I was yelled at for laughing and for being too nice to people’s needs…  I was meeting new people every day, but felt all alone.

My life was this…Wake up at 5am. Leave the house before 6am. Work 8am to 5pm. Drive home in rush hour traffic. Get home at 7pm. Go to the gym to burn off the stress of the day. Got to bed. Start all over. I was trying to convince myself that this is what adult life was like. This is what "successful" people do. In reality, there are two kinds of successful people: the kind that make lots of money, and the kind that are happy. I was neither. And I was settling for the practical path because I was afraid I would not get anything better…

I hated the person I was becoming, and worst of all, I felt trapped. After a few months of going through the motions, having many meetings with my boss about the job, and finally having a full blown anxiety attack, I decided to choose happiness.

If you have never experienced an anxiety attack, by the way, let me describe it to you... Small ones feel like you are drunk. Your head is constantly spinning and people are talking to you, but you really cannot comprehend what's going on. You feel like you might pass out at any moment, and you have little control of your body.

A real anxiety attack is much worse! Your lungs fill up with air and you feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest. You try and you try but you cannot seem to catch your breath. You feel at any moment your life could end and you have absolutely no control. It was after a moment like this that I realized corporate life was not worth risking my health.

After leaving work that day and finally getting my breath back, I quit my job. I didn't feel sad or scared, but relieved. I knew I would get another job and had made the right decision. For the first time in months, I felt like me again... And that is how I landed in the island of misfit toys a “practical” job for now until the right opportunity to follow my dreams come along..

The Energy Pirate

We all have them. An Energy Pirate is the guy or girl that we like so much we let them control our happiness and our mood. We let them steal our energy and focus on them and not ourselves. 

My Energy Pirate, or EP I’ll call him for short, was this guy at my work, which as much as we have been through, I am still trying to get over. 

We met at work, and I can remember the first time I saw him walk by me, it was a cold night in February and he didn’t even see me, but I remember thinking I would love to work here and with a guy like that. He was so good looking. I had forgotten about him until I got called in for a second interview and he was sitting in the room asking me questions. Talk about nerves, trying to get a job and impress the cute guy across the table. 

I knew I liked him when he felt comfortable enough to joke with me right off the bat, asking me if I ran from the highway, because I was out of breathe? In actuality I was having a mini anxiety attack but tried to cover the whole thing up. Once I got the job we bonded quickly. and I fell for him quickly.

We were talking everyday about nothing and about everything. Finally after a long day at a work event, and a few drinks he convinced me that he had the best view of the Zachem Bridge in Boston, and because I liked him so much, and because I didn’t want to drive home, and because he offered me the most comfortable sweatpants I went back with him.

I can remember that night clearly based on the fact I have never done that before, and because I have never in my life felt more safe with a guy. I can remember when he kissed me I got butterflies, one of the only guys I have ever kissed who gave me butterflies, (now as I write this I am scared I will never get that feeling again). Needless to say, hung out a few more times and I questioned everything, because I thought it was too good to be true. I thought he was too good for me and I did not deserve him. 

I let me insecurities get the best of me and one night when we had a fight, which I was very dramatic about. I accused him of liking another girl in the office, which I later found out to be true. I said some hurtful things to him. Things that might have struck a nerve in him from a past relationship, but I truly will never know. 

I spent the next few months on his shit list, the most awful list in the whole world. I am talking about the nicest guy, besides the fact that he dropped me like a bad habit for another girl. Regardless I somehow managed to bring out the mean and coldness in him. Every time I tried to fix things he would comeback with some rude comment or he would ignore me in the office, or act like I was nothing to him, but worse of all he would act like I meant nothing to him. I would leave work crying, because I let him steal my happiness. 

After about six months of his torture, and trying to move on with other guys that never really gave me the same feelings as he did, we tried to be friends. I liked being he EP’s friend. The only problem with being his friend is that it brought back all the feelings I had for him. I mean seriously we went from passion to extreme hate, with no time to heal in between.

I was recently “let go” from work and he quit the day after. I know it had nothing to do with me, but deep down I wish it had. I recently came to the realization that feeling for him is like a cancer. If I ever want to move on or if he is ever going to miss me, I have to leave him alone, and go on my version of Chemo. 

I have to convince myself that he never truly cared about me, and he is never going to do a random act of love like you see in the movies. It is the only way I am able to cope with the situation we are in.

I recently saw him at a going away party, and it truly made me sad that, that was probably  the last time we would ever see each other. The ball is in his court, and right now I feel we are in different leagues.

So why did I write about the Energy Pirate? To inform every one that we all have energy pirates, and in order to fight them, we have to train our minds, to one feel the feeling that we feel. Two not let them take our happy feelings from us. We have the power to decide who is in our lives, and once a person decides they do not want to be in our lives, we have to accept it and move on. I know I know this is way easier said than done, and I am still struggling to get rid of the feelings I have for EP.  

Introducing Me

I remember being in High School listening to my sophomore English teacher talk about his life stories, I can remember the look in his eyes as he remembered the good ones and the bad ones, and the really crazy ones, and it really made me think about my life at sixteen. What did I want to do with my life? Although I didn't figure it out that day, I did decide that I wanted to live a life full of stories, and even better full of memories.

 I have come to realize the UNIVERSE works in balance, with the good moment, comes that bad, but the best way to deal with the bad is to make the good ones count!

Right now I am currently in my mid-twenties (a scarey feeling for sure) trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, as many of us are. I am currently struggling  between what society wants for my life and  telling me where I should be, and what I want for my life and where I am. I am truly trying to see the silver lining, while I pursue a career in radio and or entertainment, and enjoy all the good, the bad and the crazy experiences, in my journey of life!

So enjoy my stories and feel free to share your own, this is My Blonde Life!