Sounds that Change Lives

~Sound~

  The sensation produced by stimulation of the organs of hearing by vibrations transmitted through the air or other medium. Sounds are shocks of waves that can cause some of the best and worst feelings. It is funny how an ordinary, everyday sound can bring back some of the worst, and best memories of your life. I will never forget the sound I heard the night my life changed forever.

The phone ringing is an ordinary sound for most people. When you’re a child it is an exciting sound. You never know who is on the other end. But as you grow it can be a sound of longing. Will that person call me and ask me out? Will the phone ever ring? The sound of the phone ringing can mean a number of possibilities, both positive and negative. If you had asked me before, I would say I always got excited to answer the phone. Always wanted to talk to people, but now, the sound of the phone is piercing. It stops me dead in my tracks.

 It is not the tone of the ringing that began my thoughts of the unknowing news on the other end. It is the time the phone began to ring, late on Saturday evening. Ring. Ring. Ring. Who on earth could be calling on this night?  Ring. Ring. Ring. Nothing could possibly be wrong, because bad things do not happen to me and my family. Ring. Ring. Ring. It is probably him calling to say that he is going to be later than he expected, which will make mom made because tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Although mom hates Mother’s day, we still have to be up early for church, we have to stay awake for the long mass, and we have to see the whole family. Ring. Ring. Ring. Just an ordinary sound that never meant anything to me until… until I heard the next sounds that followed. Ring. Ring. Ring. And silence.

            “The ringing was nothing.” I thought, “Nothing wrong is going on, everything is going to be the same and nothing is wrong”. Then came the next sound. Knock. Knock. Knock. It was ever so silent; I almost didn’t hear it, “was that a knock or was it the wind?”  Knock. Knock. Knock. Ever so soft,” it is probably sound of something falling, or the cat getting into something?” Knock. Knock. Knock. “It was nothing just a figment of my active imagination.” Knock. Knock. Knock. An everyday noise that on an ordinary day would mean nothing to me but on this day, the soft knock would soon become a loud bang that I would never forget. Knock. Knock. Knock, soon became Bang. Bang. Bang. An abrupt noise that would become the people who were crashing into my life and destroy the only world I knew.

            Then I heard an unfamiliar sound from a person I knew all too well. A sound  which can tell a person two things, something terrible has happened, or some sort of excitement. This was the sound of a loud scream. A scream so loud that it penetrated through my body, the screeching noise paralyzed me. The only thing that could move was the thousand thoughts racing through my mind. “Maybe it was just my brother sneaking up on my mom and giving her a fright so that why she is screaming.” “Maybe my mom just found the mess the cat made, that would explain the knocking sound. Maybe something it is something else, and something is terribly wrong though. Whatever I had imagined the sounds were, I was wrong in every way. For I could not imagine the next sound that that I would hear.

            I thought about not going out to the front room. What if I went out there and nothing was wrong. What if my mother decided to yell at me because I was supposed to be in sleeping? What if? What if? What if?  Finally, I let my curiosity get the best of me. I had to know what all the sounds were about; I had decided in a moment that my mother yelling at me was worth me finding out what all the noise was. It was worth knowing what caused the scream. So I put on my brave face and walked down the long dark hallway. The hallway that had once seemed short to me but not on this night, no this night the hallway was long and dark; the bright colors of the hallway seemed dim, and the floor seemed cold. A cold that once your bare feet touch it, it sent shivers all over my body. I finally made it to the end of the hallway, and what I saw and heard was not in the least bit what I expected. Despite my negative thoughts and feelings, I was hoping to find my brother standing behind my mother laughing because he had frightened her.

            At the end of the hallway was my mother barely able to stand, tears rushing down her face like the water flowing down Niagara Falls. Standing next to her was my father. A man who rarely shows emotion unless he is smiling or cracking jokes. My father was not cracking jokes on this night though. Instead of that familiar smile, there was an unrecognizable expression on his face. An expression filled with sorrow and confusion. His eyes were bloodshot from the pain he was feeling. While standing frozen at the end of the hallway, registering the sight in front of me, I must have adjusted my weight because the floor creaked beneath me. My mother turned around to look at me, as I walked out of the dark hallway into the light of the front room. I stood still as I heard the sound of her screaming the words that would forever change my life…”YOUR BROTHER IS DEAD!”

            I stood for a moment paralyzed by the words that had been shouted at me. My body was frozen unable to move. My mind was racing and unable to make sense of the words that have been screamed at me. As I finally gathered up the strength to move, to put one leg in front of the other, and made my way to my mother I noticed something that I did not see at first. Two police officers were standing in the room. I honestly thought it only happened in the movies or to families with members in the military. However, it happens in real life, it happened in my life. The cops knocking on the door to deliver the news that will destroy you and the innocence you once had. The news that you never want to get, that your family will be forever broken, that a loved one is not coming home.  

            Suddenly the familiar sounds that once had no meaning, held so much meaning to me. It is funny how the sounds that you hear everyday can one day change your world and you do not even know it. The ringing of the phone had been his friends calling us, asking if he had come home. The knocking was the sound of the cops coming to the house to say there had been and accident. Dan had lost control of the car, after dropping a friend off. The screaming was my mother unable to control her raw emotions of finding out that her first born, her only son was taken from this world and she would never see him alive again. I will never for get the sound of my mother’s voice that night yelling, no screaming at me “ YOUR BROTHER IS DEAD!” those words will haunt me for the rest of my life. “YOUR BROTHER IS DEAD”. “YOUR BROTHER IS DEAD”!

            Sounds; ordinary sounds that change your life. sounds that push you in another direction. Sounds that can take you from one life stage and push you into another stage of life. The stage of my life that once was innocent would now enter the 5 different stages of the grieving process.

Picking up the Pieces

“The only way to get off the stubborn path you are on is to allow yourself to run smack dab into a detour. ”Boy, did I hit a HUGE detour. 

I had never really gotten along with The Boss. He and I did not see eye to eye on many things. I am a planner, I like to plan out every detail and have everything ready a head of time. I like to ask questions and learn. I am very hard on myself when things don’t go a certain way, something I learned from interning with a major corporation. He, on the other hand, planned nothing out, waited until the last minute and lived his life by the notion, “It will all work out.” 

Well needless to say, 9 times out of 10 it would all work out, but not without a lot of stress and unnecessary aggravation. I can remember countless times when The Boss would make me question my abilities as a worker and question my own communication abilities. Most of the time trying to talk to The Boss, I would be feel very insecure about myself, which is not very good as a worker. I also felt bullied the majority of my time at work. 

I know that is easy for someone to say, because I do have bitter feelings towards him, but I can remember one time in particular: we had a holiday show and I wanted to go to hang out with people from work and show my support for my job. When I asked The Boss for tickets, and even offered to work the show, he said he did not need me, and there were no tickets available. I later found out there were about 100 tickets for the show. This wasn’t the first time he intentionally left me out of things, but it was one of the most direct. 

I tried to not let him kill my dream and just overlooked the mistreatment and the bullying; I even tried to convince myself that I had respect for him. But as my grandfather pointed out, you can’t have respect for someone who doesn’t respect you. To solve this issue, I decided it was time to be an adult and have a talk one-on-one with The Boss. This talk was not the easiest to have, but necessary. One of the things I took away from the talk was his words, “If I didn’t like you, you wouldn’t be here.” 

 After that day, things were better. I tried to be better and little by little I began to respect The Boss. Not fully respect him because I knew he overlooked me for so many opportunities, but respect his decisions. I did however, begin to see him disrespect other co-workers, and as much as I tried to overlook it, and talk him up, it all backfired on me when I got the email, “We need to talk.”

I knew as soon as I opened the email I was done. I kept telling people I was fired, but no one believed me. How could a boss fire someone who worked so hard and was liked by so many? Well like he had told me before, “If I don’t like you, you won’t be here.” Unfortunately, whether it was who I was hanging out with or something I said, I made him hate me and I was dunzo!

On my way to get “let go,” I was so upset I began crying in my car. I was about to be kicked out of a place I genuinely liked working at all because of personal differences. Because I was so upset, I got in a car accident on the way to get “let go.” I called The Boss to let him know I was going to be late, hoping he would take pity and rethink his decision, but he didn’t. In one day I had lost my car and my job. This detour I hit destroyed me. I now had to figure out what I was going to do with my life and how I was going to get there. 

I kept trying to find the positive in such a negative situation. Shortly after, I met Wendy, who gave me some clarity and taught me to look for the lesson. The lesson was, although I have no idea what I want to do, I do know I do not want to work for a person who breaks people down to build himself up. I was finally free of feeling like I was not good enough or capable enough to do the work I loved to do. I had received and outpour of support from co-workers who helped put together the pieces The Boss broke.  And the impact you have on others is the most important thing. 

The last thing I want to point out is that The Boss is not a bad guy, he was just a bad guy in my story. I have seen him do some amazingly nice things for others, and I know, that despite our differences there is a ton of good him.

What Makes You Different

“If everyone was the same, then no one would be special.” You never really know how true this quote is until you meet and incredibly special person who is just a little bit different from everyone else.

I first met James when I was working at a local radio station. Right off the bat I knew he was nice, and a jokester. I did not know when I first met him what and incredible friend and inspiration he would become in my life. 

James is in a wheel chair. He has no feeling in his legs, due to a surgery gone wrong when he was a child. But that does not stop James from living his life to the fullest and inspiring the people around him. James is the type of person who does not see his wheel chair as a disadvantage, but as an advantage to inspire people. 

I was very privileged to witness James inspire people, when he decided to ski down a mountain. Yes, a kid with no use of his legs skied down a mountain as part of the Adaptive Ski Program, not only for himself but to show other people it could be done. This blew my mind, considering I am scared to ski down a mountain with two functional legs. But James taught me to be fearless in life and to take chances. 

He also taught me just because people are different we are still the same. We go through the same shit in life: Love, loss, friendships, work and most importantly adventures.

James and I have had many talks about Energy Pirates and other issues that arose at work, and also about life. One of the most meaningful issues that James brought to my attention was the issue of his wheelchair. Sure I noticed that he was in a wheelchair, but after hanging out with him and getting to know him, I noticed him and not his chair.

 James had asked me one night, “Would you have come to talk to me if we were just in a bar, and not co-workers?” As I really thought about my answer and as I was truthful to myself, I said NO. It was hurtful for me to think that I would have never talked to James if we met in a different circumstance. It was also hurtful to me to think that I was so judgmental to people who was different. James inspired me to write this post, to bring attention to people being different, and how we judge people based on their differences. This question really made me think, I would have never gotten the opportunity to meet James if we were not co-workers, and how many other people was I overlooking based on differences?

James is an incredible human, who I am lucky enough to call a good friend. He inspires me to be better and less judgmental to people who are different. He also encourages me to keep smiling, to stay positive no matter what the circumstance. James is moving, to follow his dream and I wish him nothing but the best. I know that he is going to be inspiring other people and changing the world one person at a time.

I hope that sharing this story about James inspires other people too look past differences and give people a chance. Get to know people for who they are, because you wouldn’t want to miss out on a special person just because they are different.

The Energy Pirate

We all have them. An Energy Pirate is the guy or girl that we like so much we let them control our happiness and our mood. We let them steal our energy and focus on them and not ourselves. 

My Energy Pirate, or EP I’ll call him for short, was this guy at my work, which as much as we have been through, I am still trying to get over. 

We met at work, and I can remember the first time I saw him walk by me, it was a cold night in February and he didn’t even see me, but I remember thinking I would love to work here and with a guy like that. He was so good looking. I had forgotten about him until I got called in for a second interview and he was sitting in the room asking me questions. Talk about nerves, trying to get a job and impress the cute guy across the table. 

I knew I liked him when he felt comfortable enough to joke with me right off the bat, asking me if I ran from the highway, because I was out of breathe? In actuality I was having a mini anxiety attack but tried to cover the whole thing up. Once I got the job we bonded quickly. and I fell for him quickly.

We were talking everyday about nothing and about everything. Finally after a long day at a work event, and a few drinks he convinced me that he had the best view of the Zachem Bridge in Boston, and because I liked him so much, and because I didn’t want to drive home, and because he offered me the most comfortable sweatpants I went back with him.

I can remember that night clearly based on the fact I have never done that before, and because I have never in my life felt more safe with a guy. I can remember when he kissed me I got butterflies, one of the only guys I have ever kissed who gave me butterflies, (now as I write this I am scared I will never get that feeling again). Needless to say, hung out a few more times and I questioned everything, because I thought it was too good to be true. I thought he was too good for me and I did not deserve him. 

I let me insecurities get the best of me and one night when we had a fight, which I was very dramatic about. I accused him of liking another girl in the office, which I later found out to be true. I said some hurtful things to him. Things that might have struck a nerve in him from a past relationship, but I truly will never know. 

I spent the next few months on his shit list, the most awful list in the whole world. I am talking about the nicest guy, besides the fact that he dropped me like a bad habit for another girl. Regardless I somehow managed to bring out the mean and coldness in him. Every time I tried to fix things he would comeback with some rude comment or he would ignore me in the office, or act like I was nothing to him, but worse of all he would act like I meant nothing to him. I would leave work crying, because I let him steal my happiness. 

After about six months of his torture, and trying to move on with other guys that never really gave me the same feelings as he did, we tried to be friends. I liked being he EP’s friend. The only problem with being his friend is that it brought back all the feelings I had for him. I mean seriously we went from passion to extreme hate, with no time to heal in between.

I was recently “let go” from work and he quit the day after. I know it had nothing to do with me, but deep down I wish it had. I recently came to the realization that feeling for him is like a cancer. If I ever want to move on or if he is ever going to miss me, I have to leave him alone, and go on my version of Chemo. 

I have to convince myself that he never truly cared about me, and he is never going to do a random act of love like you see in the movies. It is the only way I am able to cope with the situation we are in.

I recently saw him at a going away party, and it truly made me sad that, that was probably  the last time we would ever see each other. The ball is in his court, and right now I feel we are in different leagues.

So why did I write about the Energy Pirate? To inform every one that we all have energy pirates, and in order to fight them, we have to train our minds, to one feel the feeling that we feel. Two not let them take our happy feelings from us. We have the power to decide who is in our lives, and once a person decides they do not want to be in our lives, we have to accept it and move on. I know I know this is way easier said than done, and I am still struggling to get rid of the feelings I have for EP.  

What Would Wendy Say?!

Photo Credit: Sabrina Boyd

Background 

They say people come into your life as blessing or lesson, and the night that I met Wendy it was both a blessing and a lesson. 

I was in a bit of a rut, to say the least, the week before, I had crashed my car on my way to get “let go” from my job, (that is another post completely). I had been a bit depressed and could not get over my negative feelings; I had to force myself out of bed to attend not one but two graduation parties, and a Rascal Flats concert, which my friend Sabrina had got tickets to. 

The graduation parties did not help my mood, and I tried to psychic myself up for the concert. I changed into a maxi dress and headed over to meet Sabrina. Still trying to get over my mood, we drove to the show and were directed to park in a back lot. A giant white pick-up truck parked next to us and out popped this lady in her forties, wearing a cowboy hat boots, and drinking a beer, she introduced herself as Wendy.

Before heading into the concert we talked to Wendy about tailgating and how the bathroom lines are so long, she advices us to always use the back stalls based on them always, always, always being open. I had no idea at the time, that this would be the first life lesson Wendy would teach me! 

We went to the concert and it changed my mood completely, giving my little hope to my feelings that I was living a pathetic life, I mean seriously, no car, no job and feeling like a failure in everything. I needed something to help me out, and live music was the beginning of turning around my outlook, Wendy was the other HUGE impact that night. Sabrina and I walked back to the car and my phone was dying, which was bad because I needed my phone's GPS to get us home. 

I decided to ask Wendy if I could charge my phone in her truck. Of course her being a blessing to me, she said yes. We decided at that moment that we would talk and hangout drinking until the traffic cleared a bit, and this is where things got interesting. 

We started talking to Wendy, who was drunk at this point about life. She told us that she had been married for 25 YEARS, and was still madly in love with her man. I had to know her secret, considering I cannot convince a guy to stay with me, and then Wendy said something I didn’t see coming, she said she, married for SEX and inherited a TRUST FUND! 

WHAT?! She said you have to have a man that is good in bed, because no matter how shitty your day is, if you come home to great sex everything with be erased and easier. So always choose the man who is good in bed! She also said if you want him to love you, you have to be willing to give him something in return. All men love girls that give them Blow Jobs. Guys need to have something every once in a while so if you want to keep him, blow him off every once in a while! 

I was both shocked and intrigued! I needed to know more and what Wendy’s thoughts about my current situation were. So I briefly told Wendy what was going on in my life, and she gave my some real perspective… “You don’t want to work for a man who is insecure and doesn’t respect you, everything happens for a reason and you are going to be stronger when you make it through this, and you will!”  

She then proceeded to tell me that her best friend recently died of cancer, and right before she died, Wendy asked her, “What advice can you leave me in this world?”  Her friend’s advice, was… “Less stuff more Memories.” 

It is that simple Less stuff more memories. We spend so much money on things we don’t need because we think they will make us have a better time, we forget to enjoy the little things in life, like talking to a stranger in a parking lot. How had I not seen this before, I didn’t want to be in a dead-end job working for a man who was not a good boss,  that wasn’t the life I had seen for myself, that wasn’t what was important to me, what was important to me was the people I had met, the memories we had shared. Wendy really gave me hope that I would find a better job, which would allow me to make even more people and create more memories.  Life was too short to focus on the negative, and the past, I had to enjoy the now. 

One of the last things Wendy left me with was this… at the end of the day, no matter how many screws ups you think you made, look at yourself in the mirror and ask, am I a good person? If the answer is yes, then be proud of who you are and the rest will fall into place, if the answer is no, then you have some work to do. One of the most important things in life is being a good person. 

As we decided to part ways, I gave Wendy the biggest hug ever and she said, god parked me next to you for a reason. I once again thanked this lady who gave me so much perspective, and the clarity I needed to pick myself up and move on and grow form the negative experiences I was currently having.

OTHER WENDY ADVICE….

• Stretch everyday so when you’re old you won’t have too many issues.
• Be with the guy that who makes you so happy in future years, you can look across a room and still be as attracted to him as the day you first met.
• Your kids are a reflection of you, if you raise assholes, then you’re a shitty parent and should straiten them out!
• Always save half the money for something you want, if you can’t save half the money for the car you want, then you really didn’t want it.
• Always carry cash. When you run out of cash, it is time for you to stop spending money!