ME TOO

I have been thinking a lot about Harvey Weinstein, how he sexually assaulted or sexually harassed all those women for all those years. The whole situation is absolutely disgusting to think about, but to think this only happens in Hollywood would be ignorant. I say that because it happened to ME TOO.

I was working events for a local radio station when I started getting text messages from one of the male sales reps. What started as friendly messages turned into words that were more aggressive. First, the rep started asking me out. When I would politely decline his invitation and tell him that I did not date my fellow colleagues, it turned into more. I received text messages that stated he did not want to “date” me but “give me multiple orgasms on a beach somewhere.” I was very uncomfortable reading that. Then I would get messages stating that the way I dressed “really turned him on.” I became very insecure in my own skin, questioning constantly if I was bringing this upon myself. Was wearing my leggings with a t-shirt asking for it? Should I change my clothes to make this stop?

Before you say, “Why didn’t you report this sort of abuse if you felt so uncomfortable?”, the short answer is: I DID, and I feel that I was fired because of reporting it. 

For some of the events my team and I were working, we had to spend the weekends together at ski lodges. One of the weekends, the team was arguing about what day to go up. My boss’s boss said I could go up a night early with the sales rep. At the time, my boss’s boss had no clue what was going on because I kept things quiet for fear of losing my job. I made a comment to my boss’s boss and told him I would be I was afraid of what would happen to me if I spent a night alone with this sales rep. Finally, the whole situation came out.

I was told numerous times that the sales rep had been talked to, but things did not stop. In fact, they got worse for me. The more I talked about the situation, the more it came out that the sales rep was speaking to the other girls in this manner. What shocked me was that these other girls were just okay with it. Again, I began to question myself. Why was I not okay with this? Am I being a drama queen for thinking this sort of behavior was not okay?

Days, then weeks went by and I was forced to work with this sales rep and pretend that things were “okay,” when deep down I knew that they were not. At some events, I would sit with my boss and we would talk about what was going on and the next steps. I would also overhear the other girls talking behind my back saying I was being way too “dramatic” about being treated as a piece of meat.

To make matters worse, one of my other managers told me I was “slandering this sales rep’s name and needed to be quiet about the situation.” When I refused to do so, I was called into the boss’s office and told, “The radio station is going in a different direction” and I “no longer fit the direction of the station.” The old “it’s not you, it’s me” line.

I was absolutely crushed. I had put up with all this abuse and then got let go from my job. I began to hate the radio industry and found myself, more often than not, drunk and crying about the matter. I thought, “Why did I say something? Is this what it is like in radio for women? To be treated like a piece of meat and then let go if you say something?” I never sued or pursued the matter further because I was young and did not want to be blacklisted from the industry.

As I began to rebuild myself and realize my self-worth, I realized all those men were in the WRONG for allowing that kind of behavior to go on. On several occasions after I was “let go,” other members of the station approached me and reassured me that what happened to me was wrong. It took a few years after that to even want to be in the radio industry again.

I can honestly say that I am still affected when it comes to certain things at work, and I definitely put my guard up when a male employee tries to belittle me. The only regret that I have is that I did not believe in myself to fight harder against this sales rep. 

The Practical Life

I am a person that believes in signs. I feel that if you truly look you can find a sign to point you in the right direction and lead to the path you are supposed to be on. I recently found a small sign from the comedian Jim Carey. Pretty funny that I am making life decisions based on the loud words of a comedian… but you don’t ask for what the sign is, you are just grateful to have found it. Jim Carey was doing a commencement speech and I stumbled across it on YouTube. Jim Said “So many of us chose our path out of fear disguised as practicality”. As I listened to those word “fear” “practicality” I realized that I was one of those people, and the path that I was on was not that path I was supposed to be on…

I figured I would catch you guys up on my crazy blonde life... After being fired from the radio station and working on the importance of forgiveness, I got a job as a corporate recruiter in Boston. My job was to help people find jobs! Sounds pretty neat, helping people find their dream, but the reality of this job was far from that... My job was actually forcing people to choose a life of practicality. I needed to convince people to take the jobs that I had for them because they had nothing else and I had to rely on people who didn't want to work, to show up at these jobs in order for me to be successful in my job. My job was very difficult and even less fulfilling.

To make matters worse, I was thrown into a high stress environment where my coworkers were stressed out and frustrated all the time. I was told I needed to earn friendships and prove myself. I was yelled at for laughing and for being too nice to people’s needs…  I was meeting new people every day, but felt all alone.

My life was this…Wake up at 5am. Leave the house before 6am. Work 8am to 5pm. Drive home in rush hour traffic. Get home at 7pm. Go to the gym to burn off the stress of the day. Got to bed. Start all over. I was trying to convince myself that this is what adult life was like. This is what "successful" people do. In reality, there are two kinds of successful people: the kind that make lots of money, and the kind that are happy. I was neither. And I was settling for the practical path because I was afraid I would not get anything better…

I hated the person I was becoming, and worst of all, I felt trapped. After a few months of going through the motions, having many meetings with my boss about the job, and finally having a full blown anxiety attack, I decided to choose happiness.

If you have never experienced an anxiety attack, by the way, let me describe it to you... Small ones feel like you are drunk. Your head is constantly spinning and people are talking to you, but you really cannot comprehend what's going on. You feel like you might pass out at any moment, and you have little control of your body.

A real anxiety attack is much worse! Your lungs fill up with air and you feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest. You try and you try but you cannot seem to catch your breath. You feel at any moment your life could end and you have absolutely no control. It was after a moment like this that I realized corporate life was not worth risking my health.

After leaving work that day and finally getting my breath back, I quit my job. I didn't feel sad or scared, but relieved. I knew I would get another job and had made the right decision. For the first time in months, I felt like me again... And that is how I landed in the island of misfit toys a “practical” job for now until the right opportunity to follow my dreams come along..